Terrified

I haven’t been on here in forever.

Life is still tumultuous.

I found a lump in my breast.

Can’t get into Dr. until next week due to my treatment schedule.

Haven’t told a soul because that might make it more real and I am scared shitless as is.

Finding it so hard to keep it together. Keep crying when I am alone.

Praying. Praying. Praying.

Wish people would understand this. Life is short, we should all have learned that lesson by now. Do what needs to be done. Quit wasting time!!!!

Wish people would understand this. Life is short, we should all have learned that lesson by now. Do what needs to be done. Quit wasting time!!!!

Mindset

I find it funny how much my mindset has changed in the past few months. We think that it takes a lot of time to make lifestyle changes and it does. We can surprise ourselves, however. I hadn’t worked out since Tuesday and I was walking with little kids so didn’t get my heart going even though it was over 4 km for the day.

I got on the treadmill today and it was hard right from the get-go. My clot leg was really tight and hurting. I was mustering through as best I could and was still putting up decent times, even with stopping to massage it out a few times. At only 15 minutes in I knew there was no way I could get my usual hour/5 km in. So I decided then that I would get to 3 km in and have to stop. This felt like a HUGE failure to me. When I actually processed that thought, I had to laugh at myself. I did 3 km in 32:58 with a sore calf and I was beating myself up about it??? 6 months ago I didn’t think I could WALK 1 km with my fat neuro-muscular diseased body!!!!!

Funny how much I have changed in regards to working out, which is a good thing but I learned my lesson today that no matter how little time I am putting in or how slow I go on the hard days that it’s all faster than my ass plopped on the couch doing nothing. So anyways I did stop at 32:58 and to still get my whole hour in I did a mix of dancercise (Hardcore, I was moving faster than Carlton) mixing in crunches, squat, dancing with weights etc. and by the time my hour was up between the treadmill and that I had gotten to 5.08 km and burned 353 calories. So people, in 27 minutes of dancing hardcore you can get 2 km in.

So crank the tunes and move that body. Yes I know I’m turning into one of those preachy people who tries to get everybody onto their “new thing” but we all need to get healthier. I still eat chips and cake, don’t worry I’ll never get THAT crazy!!!!! 
 
   Now at least GO DANCE!

I ROCK!!!!!

My back was biting a bit after my big treadmill almost goal the other day of completing 5 km in an hour. I was over by 2 minutes. So I listened to my back and didn’t do much the past few days. It was good today though so I got back on. Who rocks? That would be me!!!! 5 km in 53 minutes and 4 seconds (I also stopped at one point for 4 minutes to massage out my calf so if I hadn’t had to do that it would have been an even shorter time!!!!!!!!! So proud of myself. Wasn’t too sure if it would be the last thing I did on earth or not, but I made it. I only got to 55 minutes because my friend called and said she could give me a ride somewhere so I ended up with 5.20 km in 55 minutes. I didn’t get any cool down time which I NEED! I had a super cold shower. Got out, got dressed, was still breathing hard when she picked me up. Was still sweating like I just got off the treadmill even though I just had a cold shower. My face looked like I was sunburned super badly from a week in Mexico with  no sunscreen. Without any sarcasm it stayed that red for over an hour……..BUT I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today

I was given a treadmill from a friend who was moving. The back legs are broken and won’t lock. So I have been only been able to walk uphill because it is constantly on an incline. When he was here he fiddled with it and fixed it. Yayyyyyy!!! When I tried today it wouldn’t work and I finally got it. Not sure how I did it. So I am scared to fold it up and unlock it.

My first big goal was to do 5 km in an hour. Normally takes me 1 1/2 or 1 hour and 20 if I am booking it when walking outside. On my first try today I did 5 km in 1 hour and 2 minutes. TWO MINUTES OVER. Sooooooo close to my goal on the first try. I was walking but with short (really short but fairly often) bursts of jogging…..thrown in. When I saw how close I was getting I tried so hard to push it, but I was just too drained. So happy that I was almost able to make my goal on the first day. Burnt 329 calories. Then I made a pot of homemade soup for supper and logged all the ingredients in my app to figure out the calorie count. Pain in the ass doing that and measuring food out for everything I eat but I am liking tracking my intake.
My one friend always accuses me of not eating enough calories to help my metabolism work (not including when I eat Lays or fast food) but apparently when I am eating healthy, I really don’t and definitely don’t when my son isn’t here. Another friend told me to use a BMR calculator to figure out what my calorie intake should be. The number I got was 1770.05, that sounds crazy high to me though??? Not sure.
Anyways I count today as a win!

The Weekend

A double edged sword full of a million thoughts and emotions. Happy for all the good stuff that came out of it though. Not happy with the rest. The game works best if the rules are followed. If they are to be broken, it should be for a HUGE reason eg. to turn it all around. Then it would be worth deviating against the plan. Unfortunately rules were broken (not by me) and I don’t think to the end I was talking about :_( which I am not a coward to say that I would be happy if I was wrong and it did. Had my best two sleeps in months, so that’s another positive. I’m never going to be able to sleep tonight with this big empty space beside me though.

Shopping

I bought some pretty sexy underthings today ;)  that hopefully lead to a TMI post tomorrow, LOL!

Questionnaire

Fill this in with stuff about you

  • Age:37
  • Where I’m from: Ontario, Canada
  • Where I would like to live: Italy
  • Favourite food: Pasta
  • Religion: I am religious/spiritual but don’t often go to church.
  • Sexual orientation: Heterosexual
  • Single/taken: Recently Single for past 2 months. I tried everything to not make it that way, but was left no choice :( Maybe one day he will realize what he has lost and take the steps to show me love, respect etc. and we can take the steps I originally pleaded for for us to compromise and make a future together.
  • Favourite book: Eat, Pray, Love and anything by Jodi Picoult
  • Eye colour:Blue
  • Favourite movie: Grease, Dirty Dancing, Wizard of Oz
  • Favourite TV show: Castle, Grey’s, Glee, Mentalist, Parenthood and many more.
  • Favourite band/singer: Tragically Hip, P!nk, Bruno Mars, Carrie Underwood, Dierks Bentley
  • Random fact about me: Ivory soap is 99.9% pure but I’m allergic to it.
  • Favorite day/s of the year: Used to be Sunday’s but no real favourite anymore
  • Favourite colour: Purple
  • If I have any pets, what are their names: dog: Snickers
  • What I’m listening to right now: Tv in background
  • Last movie I’ve watched: Seeking A Friend For The End Of The World
  • What’s my ringtone: A Hawaiian ukelele
  • Favourite male character from a TV show: Castle/The Mentalist (they are my boyfriends) Raj of Big Bang and more
  • Favourite female character from a TV show: Britney off Glee, Lily off HIMYM, Bones off Bones, Sarah & Kristina Braverman off Parenthood and more
  • What my name means: My tumblr name is pretty easy to figure out
  • Favourite superhero: Don’t really have one
  • Celebrity crush: Brad Pitt (when shaved) Mark Valley, Channing Tatum, Jesse Spencer, Paul Walker, Ian Sommerhalder, Paul Rudd again too many and yes I know some of them are waaaaaaaaaay too young for me, LOL.